new blog address

I decided to move my blog to word press since they allow me more flexibility with the blog look.
Continuing reading here:
www./proverbs31ishwoman.wordpress.com

While I'm Waiting....

I'm still waiting.
Seems to be the story of my life lately. My plans for graduate school fell apart, moving to Fort Collins fell by the wayside, and talks of moving closer to Walter have ended for at least six months. And, if nothing else, I've learned that I am a terrible waiter.
It goes like this; I love surprises, but I don't like knowing that a surprise is coming and I have to wait for it. The anticipation of the unknown feels like it's eating me up inside and I must know. I must know the ups and downs of my future so that I can best prepare for what is to come.
Unfortunately for me, that is not at all how life works. God doesn't deem it necessary for me to know what's coming next and is encouraging me to learn patience by forcing me to wait.
This forced waiting has opened me up to a whole new view on the Bible and some of the characters in it. I've never wanted to my old school notes or Bible commentaries more (darn you stupid moving boxes full of all my stuff).
I still find it so ironic that in my hardest times in life I see God so deeply. I'm sad to say that I think it's because when my life sucks that's when I want to seek out God. This song by John Waller has been on my mind lately and I thought I would share it with you. I hope that you find encouragement in it as I have

While I'm Waiting
by John Waller
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

If you have a hard time waiting, I encourage you to serve and worship while you do so. It's not just a great way to pass the time, but it will bring you so much closer to the Lover of your Soul.

Little Black Dress and a Dissapointed Heart

It all started with my purchase of my first LBD, or little black dress for you male types.
I have been searching for over a year for the perfect LBD and today at the Burlington Coat Factory, where I got stuck during a traditional Colorado rain storm, there it was in all it's glory. It was sophisticated without being stuffy, hit at the perfect spot below the knee with a high neck line and a cozy fit. And to top it all off, it was on sale!

So, I bought it.

I've already tried it on more than once and the thought that runs through my mind is, "Walter is going to love this."

And then I remembered that he's in Missouri and I'm in Colorado; that for at least the next 6 months and after he visits in August I'm not sure when I'm going to see him again.

And then I remember our conversation the other night and I almost feel angry at Walter.

Angry that he's so far away,
angry that I don't get all his attention,
angry that he didn't ask me out earlier,
just completely, unfairly, and selfishly angry.

I am always wanting more from him. I want more of his time even though he has a job and a ministry to the people at his church.
He sent me roses the other day, and as they begin to wither I want more.
I want dinner and dancing and movies and holding hands and diamond rings...

I want him to fill every void in my life, and he keeps failing me...as he should.
Not only is it unfair of me to expect the world from him, but it's an error in focus. Walter is the love of my life and my best friend as well as the one who helps to make my life feel a little more complete.
HOWEVER, and that's a big however, I know that asking him to be my everything leaves no room for God in my life. It annoys me, really, because I do know this. I know it very well and whole heartedly, but I still fall into the trap. No matter how much we love each other, there will be times when we fail and are disappointed in one another. The only one who will never disappoint me in the One who made me.

"Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also" Matthew 6:21 NASB

My treasures in this life effect the person that I will become. Heck, it effects the person that I am right now. But the truth is that no matter how much I love Walter (or my family or my friends or my church kids) I have to love Christ more.

In the end that little black dress made me happy for a few hours, and I still think that Walter is going to love it, but my happiness and joy in that dress and it's memories will not last. I think that once I find joy in Christ and Christ alone is when I will appreciate the little things in my relationship, and be thankful for anything Walter has for me, even if it is simply a text message that says, "Hey, I lost the game. And I love you"

Okay, okay. My turn to say, I'm sorry and I will try...er... do better.

the Wannabe that I am

Starting this blog I wasn't really sure what I was doing it for. I'm a 23 year old Bible college graduate whose dating a pastor/marine and aspires to be a wife, mother, and missionary. That doesn't really make me the most relate able person who ever lived. Even still, I am a 20something woman with dreams and relationships, ups and downs and ice cream binges.

I may not hold the wisdom that years of experience can bring, but sharing my journey through this blog may be an encouragement; if only in a small way.

I wrote this blog a few weeks ago, and I thought it was a suitable beginning to this blog:

As I struggle through my life as it currently is, I find myself wandering to Proverbs 31.

The Proverbs 31 woman seems so down right perfect. She can cook, sew, take care of her household, raise children; she’s up late mending clothes and up early buying fields. I’m sure we can add to that list that she was modest, polite and hospitable, and made her own manna to serve with the wine she pressed her self from that vineyard she grew in that field she bought. (But I have to wonder where she finds the time to have children. I mean, there’s no way she has time for sex if she’s up after her husband goes to bed and awake before he gets up. Just sayin’.)

I could keep up with my banter about this woman and how unattainable her devoted lifestyle seems to be, but in all honesty I think I’ve spent the majority of my Christian life wanting to be like her. I may not want to supply belts to tradesmen, but I would like to have a Bible that is worn and falling apart from use and not from abuse. I would like to gird myself with strength and strong arms (no need for extra puget on that girlish figure); to have my husband trust in me and to do him good, to not eat the bread of idleness; to be described as a “worthy woman”.

Now, don’t misunderstand me. I have a most wonderful man who would argue my worthiness in his eyes, and I wouldn’t doubt him for a second. Despite my lack of experience and frailty, even down right naivety that drives me crazy about myself, he has, from the very beginning, considered me to be worth it. I love the way he sees me, but really the problem isn’t the way others see me; it’s how I see myself.

I want to be able to do it all. I want to be a Christian Super Girl who can lead a Bible study on James while balancing her checkbook and making a soufflé.

Okay, that’s a little over the top, even for me. But it would be nice to play tag with the kids without having to sit down, or pick up a baby without loosing my breath. When my guy calls to vent I want to be the supportive listener, but most often turn into the selfishly needy one. When things don’t go as planned or someone ticks me off, I turn and cuss (or at least, I think about it) instead of sacrificing those plans and thoughts to God.

To put it plainly, in my eyes I am always falling short. I am always trying, while the Proverbs 31 woman is doing. Yet, if this is an account of a real woman, I have to believe that she was all woman. She too suffered from the occasional PMS, fought with her husband over which synagogue Jr. would attend, and struggled with the temptations to share gossip in the women’s court at the temple. I wonder if she asked silly questions, like if her prayer shawl made her look fat, or worried for her children as they grew up and went out on their own.

This actually makes me feel better about her. You see, I wonder if the writer didn’t think this woman was worth mention because she was some super woman of the faith, but rather because she was an ordinary woman who obtained such faith through obedience. She was someone, a woman, just like me who had learned to obey God through obedience and trust. I imagine that she didn’t compare herself to other women as much as I do and tried her best to compare herself to the God she knew, her YHWH; to share in the honor of David so as to be call a woman “after God’s own heart”. I think her pride took a back seat to her devotion. That’s my struggle. In order to walk the paths of righteous women like Sarah, Rachel, Esther, or Ruth, I have to hand over my will along with my dreams and desires into the Master’s hands. I must give up control of my own will and submit to the will of the Father.

I have to admit that this seems like an on going and ever changing task, but it must be attainable to me; otherwise He wouldn’t have asked me to do it.

In the end I only get this day to live the Proverbs 31 way, and if I want to be a worthy woman in God’s eyes I think I have to stop comparing myself to her.

I still have so much to learn. I really am a wannabe, but maybe that will spur me on to be genuine.

Do you ever feel like a wannabe?