the Wannabe that I am

Starting this blog I wasn't really sure what I was doing it for. I'm a 23 year old Bible college graduate whose dating a pastor/marine and aspires to be a wife, mother, and missionary. That doesn't really make me the most relate able person who ever lived. Even still, I am a 20something woman with dreams and relationships, ups and downs and ice cream binges.

I may not hold the wisdom that years of experience can bring, but sharing my journey through this blog may be an encouragement; if only in a small way.

I wrote this blog a few weeks ago, and I thought it was a suitable beginning to this blog:

As I struggle through my life as it currently is, I find myself wandering to Proverbs 31.

The Proverbs 31 woman seems so down right perfect. She can cook, sew, take care of her household, raise children; she’s up late mending clothes and up early buying fields. I’m sure we can add to that list that she was modest, polite and hospitable, and made her own manna to serve with the wine she pressed her self from that vineyard she grew in that field she bought. (But I have to wonder where she finds the time to have children. I mean, there’s no way she has time for sex if she’s up after her husband goes to bed and awake before he gets up. Just sayin’.)

I could keep up with my banter about this woman and how unattainable her devoted lifestyle seems to be, but in all honesty I think I’ve spent the majority of my Christian life wanting to be like her. I may not want to supply belts to tradesmen, but I would like to have a Bible that is worn and falling apart from use and not from abuse. I would like to gird myself with strength and strong arms (no need for extra puget on that girlish figure); to have my husband trust in me and to do him good, to not eat the bread of idleness; to be described as a “worthy woman”.

Now, don’t misunderstand me. I have a most wonderful man who would argue my worthiness in his eyes, and I wouldn’t doubt him for a second. Despite my lack of experience and frailty, even down right naivety that drives me crazy about myself, he has, from the very beginning, considered me to be worth it. I love the way he sees me, but really the problem isn’t the way others see me; it’s how I see myself.

I want to be able to do it all. I want to be a Christian Super Girl who can lead a Bible study on James while balancing her checkbook and making a soufflé.

Okay, that’s a little over the top, even for me. But it would be nice to play tag with the kids without having to sit down, or pick up a baby without loosing my breath. When my guy calls to vent I want to be the supportive listener, but most often turn into the selfishly needy one. When things don’t go as planned or someone ticks me off, I turn and cuss (or at least, I think about it) instead of sacrificing those plans and thoughts to God.

To put it plainly, in my eyes I am always falling short. I am always trying, while the Proverbs 31 woman is doing. Yet, if this is an account of a real woman, I have to believe that she was all woman. She too suffered from the occasional PMS, fought with her husband over which synagogue Jr. would attend, and struggled with the temptations to share gossip in the women’s court at the temple. I wonder if she asked silly questions, like if her prayer shawl made her look fat, or worried for her children as they grew up and went out on their own.

This actually makes me feel better about her. You see, I wonder if the writer didn’t think this woman was worth mention because she was some super woman of the faith, but rather because she was an ordinary woman who obtained such faith through obedience. She was someone, a woman, just like me who had learned to obey God through obedience and trust. I imagine that she didn’t compare herself to other women as much as I do and tried her best to compare herself to the God she knew, her YHWH; to share in the honor of David so as to be call a woman “after God’s own heart”. I think her pride took a back seat to her devotion. That’s my struggle. In order to walk the paths of righteous women like Sarah, Rachel, Esther, or Ruth, I have to hand over my will along with my dreams and desires into the Master’s hands. I must give up control of my own will and submit to the will of the Father.

I have to admit that this seems like an on going and ever changing task, but it must be attainable to me; otherwise He wouldn’t have asked me to do it.

In the end I only get this day to live the Proverbs 31 way, and if I want to be a worthy woman in God’s eyes I think I have to stop comparing myself to her.

I still have so much to learn. I really am a wannabe, but maybe that will spur me on to be genuine.

Do you ever feel like a wannabe?