It all started with my purchase of my first LBD, or little black dress for you male types.
I have been searching for over a year for the perfect LBD and today at the Burlington Coat Factory, where I got stuck during a traditional Colorado rain storm, there it was in all it's glory. It was sophisticated without being stuffy, hit at the perfect spot below the knee with a high neck line and a cozy fit. And to top it all off, it was on sale!
So, I bought it.
I've already tried it on more than once and the thought that runs through my mind is, "Walter is going to love this."
And then I remembered that he's in Missouri and I'm in Colorado; that for at least the next 6 months and after he visits in August I'm not sure when I'm going to see him again.
And then I remember our conversation the other night and I almost feel angry at Walter.
Angry that he's so far away,
angry that I don't get all his attention,
angry that he didn't ask me out earlier,
just completely, unfairly, and selfishly angry.
I am always wanting more from him. I want more of his time even though he has a job and a ministry to the people at his church.
He sent me roses the other day, and as they begin to wither I want more.
I want dinner and dancing and movies and holding hands and diamond rings...
I want him to fill every void in my life, and he keeps failing me...as he should.
Not only is it unfair of me to expect the world from him, but it's an error in focus. Walter is the love of my life and my best friend as well as the one who helps to make my life feel a little more complete.
HOWEVER, and that's a big however, I know that asking him to be my everything leaves no room for God in my life. It annoys me, really, because I do know this. I know it very well and whole heartedly, but I still fall into the trap. No matter how much we love each other, there will be times when we fail and are disappointed in one another. The only one who will never disappoint me in the One who made me.
"Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also" Matthew 6:21 NASB
My treasures in this life effect the person that I will become. Heck, it effects the person that I am right now. But the truth is that no matter how much I love Walter (or my family or my friends or my church kids) I have to love Christ more.
In the end that little black dress made me happy for a few hours, and I still think that Walter is going to love it, but my happiness and joy in that dress and it's memories will not last. I think that once I find joy in Christ and Christ alone is when I will appreciate the little things in my relationship, and be thankful for anything Walter has for me, even if it is simply a text message that says, "Hey, I lost the game. And I love you"
Okay, okay. My turn to say, I'm sorry and I will try...er... do better.
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